Welcome to RyconFox

Hello Blog, how are ya? I'm back home now in NY - took a Greyhound to Toledo and then scooted over on an Amtrak home since Amtrak isn't close to my folks there in TN. The drama picked up where it left off it seems. While I was away my eldest cat Eevee passed away and the ASPCA was called out to the house by the bitch of a neighbor from across the street. Dealing with anyone in authority gives me anxiety and I don't know why. I've never had a reason to and the end results were always positive. The ASPCA isn't any different. They were out to the house a bit ago and picked up five of the cats. Just trying to figure out how to pay the ASPCA to take the cats this past week has been exhaustive and has made my chest hurt. Walking around the house here has become depressive, it's no wonder Sage wanted to get out of here and how I slipped into it. The next thing will be how to afford to pay national grid and verizon until November when HEAP kicks in. I've become a mixed bag of emotions and I no longer feel like a person on the inside. I feel like a blob that's just bearly existing and visiting my folks didn't help. I don't think I can do IRL now and ended up half-assing my YouTube video for tomorrow. I'm sick of everything and nothing at the same time. Just thinking about it and typing it all out is making my chest hurt. I laid here last night in my bed and had my first major panic attack since I took Sage's dad downtown. When their bad their almost seizure like but I'm awake and know what's going on. The only real thing keeping me going is watching my friend Star on Twitch do her IRL stuff. Her chat and discord's very welcoming and it feels like a giant family. It's a pipe-dream to want to do that from my position but I'm understanding more where Sage was coming from every time she asked me to draw a dream house in Sketchup. Something to hold onto, something to move to, something to work towards even if the end goal doesn't become that. I feel lost at times. I don't belong here but I don't belong with my folks either. Even on the Zoloft I'm slowly becoming socially numb again, not really knowing or caring about anything. Going through the motions to get the day over with. Thats one reason why Japan is so radical, because it's different, but in eve that I'm starting to have second thoughts wither or not Japan will make me happy. I don't think anywhere will truely make me happy, just tolerable. I don't force my issues on anyone so they get shoved in here, open to opinions. -Matt

Hello Blog, how are ya? Been a bit, hasn't it... few ups, many downs and drug some along the way. I still suffer anxiety and depression from the divorce but put a smile on to appease the masses. It's funny how easy it is to smile for pictures to hide how you truly feel, only to explode and die a bit more on the inside. I was prescribed the smallest dose of Zoloft and it doesn't do anything. Scratch that; it works but not for sudden anxiety attacks or bouts of depression. Hurt no longer makes me depressed which I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing, was listening to The End and that made me depressed. After going through what I've gone through, music I use to enjoy listening to makes me depressed because I can feel the swing of emotions released at once and to me, I feel it 10x. Thought a change of scenery would do me good so I took my parents up on helping them move from TN to AZ, only this is day 4 and no one's left TN yet. They're trying to grab a house closer to me in NY but they're having difficulty with it. My parents haven't changed a bit and their arguing hasn't changed either. The trip down wasn't bad because we got to stop in and visit my uncles but I can see where I get my issues from. Everyone on my mom's side that's left is on SSI or SSDI for mental issues. I also ran out of Zoloft and they couldn't refill it till this morning because of the holiday and the anxiety didn't hit me until after I got home and had a pill, which leads to being depressed because I was anxious. It's become a vicious cycle I'm not happy with, so something to talk to my med dr about on the 20th. I'm realizing more and more that even if I do find a way to move to Japan, I'm going to be up against the same issues I am here while staying with my folks. There's going to be something that sparks something else that's going to send me into a spiral and no one's going to know how to best handle the situation, so I'll end up being deported and politely asked to not return. The only light I'm seeing at the end of my tunnel is in the form of a Twitch streamer and I think I've fallen in love with her. I hate it though. I hate it how my persona feels it needs a person to fill the loneliness in my life and will latch onto any ounce of positivity to turn and twist it until it fits, like trying to ream a square peg into a round hole. I won't dare act on it, my problems don't need to become someone else's mess to clean up. My head twitching has returned when I talk and so has the bulging of the vein in my neck, another sign I'm going to need a higher dose of Zoloft. I haven't become paranoid yet but I'm borderline there, which is starting to scare me. Simple sounds make me jump so that's adding to it, and my thoughts are starting to become dark and twisted. I've become an emotional nutball and it's getting worse, not better. I find myself at peace for a bit when I watch said live streamer or go through my baseball cards, but that's really about it. I realize at times I need to adult and adulting causes me stress, which causes me anxiety, which causes me depression, because of the stress and anxiety. I really do hate my life, Matt

Hello Blog, it's been a few. What's done is done and there's no easy return. My marriage officially dissolved on May 10,2018 and it will never sit right with me. Us as human beings are always acting from our own points of view, which has worked for us, but has also gotten us into trouble. It's also helped to create a new societal norm where our first amendment right is thrown in everyone's face, expecting no repercussions. I feel I've failed as a husband, partner, and friend - and when certain tools were now made available to me, i'm told no. The first night after Sage got in from visiting Ohio and told me she was affirming her wanting to get a divorce, I knew her mind had been made up but at the same time knew it was going to be difficult to change her mind, and in the end, ended up hurting myself more. I ended up in CPEP that night because I didn't feel mentally right - like my world had ended. I was made a promise but I broke it first. The promise was that she was going to give me till the end of July to prove that I could change, that there was something to save what was left of my marriage. The first few days we ok, i'd be asked my honest opinion but when given, made her sad and/or suicidal. She remarked once that if she had to stay, she'd commit suicide - Like suicide would be so much better. I'm not one to talk as that first night i'd contemplated hanging myself in the attic. As the days went on and the issues got worse, I tried to distance myself so the pain wouldn't be so bad on her, and sometimes it was, other times it wasn't. I broke my promise by distancing myself to try and make myself better as I really didn't want to spend another night in CPEP, but at the same time I felt safer there then anywhere else. Paperwork was sent back twice and I took them as signs to try, but I'd try so much that I was asked why I was still trying and that I must be trying to sabotage giving her a happy life. I tried because I care damn it! You don't just waste 8 years just to call it quits and hope everything goes back to normal like it never happened. There are serious repercussions that come with divorce that most don't give two-shits about. A few days after the CPEP visit, I was in the hospital due to severe dehydration. Sage was there up until the time they got me into an actual room. She cared but only up to a certain point, like she wanted to hold on to whatever feelings she had reaffirmed the decision she'd made. When she shattered her kneecap, I was there with her 24/7 to care for her. I'm not 100% innocent in this, not by a long shot. When I first moved here I discovered I needed to keep going till I passed out to keep my brain active. I get this from my dad's side of the family. When she found out what I was doing, Sage said I had a problem with the computer and needed to either stop or seek counseling. When your brain's keeping you awake at night and you don't have a vehicle, a computer becomes your filler. Even when I had a job, my mind would remain active at night and it was happening so frequent, and caused so many problems, I did seek counseling. However it was in the form of Sage's therapist who had been hers for 3 years before I moved in, and was getting ready to retire. The three of us would discuss what was going on and in the end nothing helped. It seemed like she was trying to mediate us to help, but really didn't know what she'd gotten herself info. Couple of years pass and I'm out of work, and we hear that that house was going to be foreclosed on because Sage's father was trying to get on SSI and the bank wanted to sweep it under the rug beforehand, to use it as a viable excuse to pull the house. My folks were living in TN at the time and said that we could come stay with them while we try to figure out what to do, and then the plan changed to my folks buying a bare-bones cabin that we'd pay them back for. The trip down wasn't that bad, and did it in record time. When we arrived however, nothing had been done to the cabin. No power, no insulation, no nothing. My dad did put in some junction boxes where outlets and switches would go, but never finished. In fact, I ended up witing up an outlet so we could have a fridge, toaster oven, and hotplate running. It was a step above camping. Winter had set in and we found out how cold it got. My folks had given us some sheeting and a couple of heaters to try and keep the living area warm at least, but in the end one heater almost caught fire and was colder then what it was supposed to be. I'd gotten ahold of an insulator wholesaler who at first said they could outfit the cabin for $500, then said it was going to cost more. I was transferred to a second person who said it was going to cost $800, and by the night was done, I'd received an email from a third person saying it was going to cost even higher than that so I told them I wasn't one to be jerked around with and told em where to shove it. By this time Sage's father was on SSI and the bank was willing to work to keep the house. Also by this time tensions between my folks and Sage were getting really high and at one point she said that TN was the worst idea I'd ever come up with and that if we had to stay another month, she'd commit suicide, so we packed the truck up as much as we could and moved back. Sometime during the trip back I'd blown the head gasket but didn't know it until it was pointed out to me. We came back to find the front door had been smashed in and the neighbors said someone was squatting in the basement the past week. We also discovered how racist the lady across the street was but also came to the conclusion that she had a thing for Sage's dad and was pissed he wasn't around. Most of that time is fuzzy but Sage says I got worse after moving back. That we argued more, defending my parents, etc.. I was raised that you only have one birth parents. They may treat you like dirt or ruin your life, but their the only ones you get. I do remember alot of fun times over the years. My brain tends to work in the mode of 'if it's a happy or tragic memory, let's remember it, but forget everything else'. I can remember the times we use to sit around for family game night or the times Sage's brother and I gamed on the xbox so I could get comfortable around him, or the trips to the mall because we'd found the best pizza in town -or Sage's first trip to Disneyworld. I remember getting married and how our first anniversary was... I also remember the death of my friend David, and the recent vegetative state of my friend Jon. So many things piled on at once with divorce to tip the scale. Ever since the hospital visit, things have changed and I feel they've gotten progressively worse. As soon as the divorce was final, she called a friend and he was here the next night and they left. Didn't even wait till July. I'm finding myself staying awake longer because I don't want to sleep because there's no one there anymore. I sleep when I pass out. If it slowly kills me or puts me back in the hospital, oh well. If it does eventually kill me, I won't have to worry about it anymore. I've reduced myself to drinking Monster and eating Shin noodle soup, mostly because I just don't care about my health anymore. I don't care about much anything anymore, I feel numb. Lonelyness sets in fast, depression sets in fast, and I despise both. Only time I felt mellow today was when I was at Tully's with Sage's brother, father and aunt for dinner and had a brew, but felt like garbage afterwards. I was going to stream tonight but decided to write this entry instead. -Matt

To Whom it May Concern... this blog was set up as a catch-all for my personal and gaming life and somewhere down the line certain people thought it would be ok to challenge the validity of it by praising the gaming side and criticizing the personal side. Don't like both in one place? Tough shit. The blog is here to stay.

In gaming news, I'll be wrapping up season 2 of Aternos Minecraft. I won't be leaving the game indefinitely, but doing the series as a whole is done. I'm toying with the idea of a playthrough of New Vegas on the 360 maybe... or something else, not sure. My YouTube's always been a mixed bag of content.

In personal news, I'm going to therapy for my issues as being alone is making my chest hurt - and I really don't want to go back to CPEP. In doing some research, we've come to determine that Astrologically Sage and I were never compatible to begin with, but have also determined that I should instead be looking for a mouse born in December, and because I've fallen for Japan, a Japanese mouse born in December. Those in the fandom should know what I'm talking about. Seeking one out or attempting to seek one out has been hindered by FOSTA and the suspension/hiatus/closing of Pounced.org

In the meantime I have some links to fix here on the site.
Enjoy,
Logansryche

     Well... what's done is done, but i'm not giving up just yet. True I may be getting a divorce and things may be going down hill for a bit but once you hit the bottom the only way is up. I have an appointment the first week of April to see a therapist. I'm hoping some of my issues can be worked through. If I end up in that situation where my therapist needs a therapist, all I can do is apologise. In the meantime I've been told that after July if I want to keep living in the house I may, this way Sage's brother doesn't become homeless, and all utilities and interwebs and the like stay on. I'm still suffering from borderline Chronic Depression I think, as self-diagnosed while living in Iowa. I don't think I have the mental capacity to function in a work-place enviroment but I leave the decisions up to the professionals. We've decided to stay friends through all of this, although previous times I've attempted this after a relationship, either I stop talking for some reason or they disappear from the internet. I hope to at least be here for Sage if she needs me, whenever she needs me, as a fallback if her move goes south. If not, I wish her all the happyness in the world.

Now comes the real hard work...

     Hello blog, it's been a few hasn't it. Alot's transpired since the last entry, and this time's ended in meutral divorce. For years Sage had been trying to get me to go to therapy as she believed that my thoughts and actions were registering as forms of mental abuse, and for years I said I didn't think I needed it. I supose if you look at the relationship from the very begining we were doomed to fail. I was already half-broken from previous relationships and then the on the job injury in Iowa that resulted in the law firm going out of business, and Sage just getting out of what she considered to be an abusive relationship. We spent eight years being around each other 24/7 and this was the end result. I was never able to find work and Sage was on SSI.

     When I stop and think and look through stuff that reminds me of the past, I remember how simple stuff was. I remember how happy everyone was. Not sure if it was sticker shock, or if it was genuine. I remember interacting with Sage's brother on a gaming level to have something in common, as were a house of gamers. As time wore on, not all of us became gamers anymore. Sage kept having bouts of depression and anxiety and getting sick alot, and I could never calm or comfort her through those times so I distanced myself. As time wore on, those fealings of depression and anxiety mixed with being manic alot created this new form inside me. It started around the time we moved in with my parents in Tennessee and became quick to see that my folks didn't like Sage or her lifestyle or the fact that we had to bring our cats with us that ended in the death of one of the cats.

     Thinking about one tramatic event, brings back most of the trimatic events. Most of them at the house was about the cats. One time Sage's dad's cat had clawed his way through his window screen and the other cats had gotten out, then one of our cats had gotten her head stuck in the fence and couldn't get it out. I paniced and Sage was able to get her out. Another time was when we moved to TN we had to leave my cat Chinese Food(long story) here as she'd gotten out of the carrier. Sage's father bug-bombed the house before we came back, and while cleaning I found Chinese Food in a box under the couch. I lost it - couldn't contain what I was feeling. Sage's brother ended up burying her in the backyard.Another time I woke up one morning and found my cat dead in the food bucket. She'd aten herself to full, then died from lack of oxygen. How she got in there is anyone's guess. After Sage's cat Boots went missing permanantly, we came to the conclusion that the house is haunted by 2 main spirits. The first dwells in the basement and the second walks around the house, likes to hover over the men in the house. After further cats either died or went missing for no reason and the death of Sage's pet rat, things became interesting. I honestly believe there are those out there that have the gift to communicate with the dead and further believe that Sage has this gift, even though I don't believe in the paranormal. I didn't grow up around that being a normal thing, so it's not something that my brain dwells on. There'd been many attempts to proove wither or not I believe in the paranormal and something always came up that prevented it further.

     Even though I don't believe in the paranormal, there's not something right about this house or land or... and it's been like that since we moved to TN. When we moved back, things felt very different. We found that someone had broken into the house while we were gone and was staying in the basement but didn't stay too long. Sage also says that something changed in me while we were in TN and that my soul appears black. So black the spirits in the house don't interact with me anymore if they tried to in the first place. I'd thought about doing a spirital cleansing and still might, then maybe I'll believe. We tossed religion around alot and at one point Sage was trying to find where she belonged. She's a neo-druid, always has been. She tried Mormonism then Christianism, then converted me to Paganism. It just makes more sense - when you read what Pagan's believe in side by side what Christin's believe, you get a more fuller story; a more complete guide.

     Sage puts alot of blame for how I was raised and how I continue to be on my parents. They never tried to give her the time of day when her parents loved and adored me. Now that things are where they are now, her parents can't stand me. Her mom hates me because of what I became and her dad tolerates me just enough. Yesterday(3/28) I couldn't stand it - couldn't take divorce to mean another relationship ruined by unability to care, so Sage called 911 and I ended up in CPEP for awhile. I felt safer there then I do here. The aptmosphere felt different. I felt it every time I stayed with Sage in CPEP. I still consider my marriage to a horrible failure and while I'm going for psychaitric help now that I have the ability to, it's too late. It's too late because she says it's too late. I want to fix it, but she doesn't. She says she's tired of trying to fix me for eight years and has had enough. We've decided to stay friends but I'll always have that hope that she comes back to me, even though I know she won't.

     From here I hope that therapy has some possitive effect as I'm usualy open-minded when it comes to most things(I became an LGBT activist afterall). At some point I may seek out a spirital cleaning because I can't live like this anymore. As it is I've distanced myself from my YouTubing and work I was doing in SL, as I don't want to half-ass it. I've closed out my Ferzu account and started closing out other sites related to Logansryche. I want to disappear off the internet but at the same time keep in contact with folks. I have serious doubts that I'll be able to hold a job after everything's said and done, so I may consider filing for SSI soon as well.

-Matt

Morning Journal, haven't put an entry in here in awhile. Things have been interesting lately, we managed to find ourselves in the middle of Central New York's biggest snow storm in fourty years. We're sitting at an all-time record so far this past week of a foot. The HHR Sage's aunt lent us really does suck in the winter - driving to Wal-Mart this evening had it's own challanges and we'd seen more then a few ambulances running around. Driving back was worse I think - skidded through a stoplight(wasn't going faster then 10mph), it was nuts and I took my anger out on the car. Just getting back up the hill was bad because there was no traction and no plows. Found out their on strike again, which helps no one. Even as I put this entry in here, it's snowing outside and no plows are in sight. Relationship wise is going ok. Sage and her ex have been getting close which is fine to a degree because I know where my marriage stands and where we stand. He wants her to move closer to him so that she can watch his kids again, but there's so much wrong with it logistics wise. It's not just me she'd be leaving behind, but she'd be leaving her brother and he'd have nowhere to go. Was supose to call my primary yesterday to see about getting in to see a psytchatrist, but that never happened. If I remember to I'll ask her when I see her on the tenth. It's weird but I don't feel shock or jealousy or any of that. I guess I really do belong in a home with my memory being the way it is. I was just re-reading some of the older posts which reminded me that Sage's primary called and said their going to be putting her on Lupron for her PCOS, and that once treatment's over, she won't have it anymore. I'm happy for her - goes along the lines of seing her at her worst so I can see her at her best. It's short but that's all, Matt