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3.30.2018

     Well... what's done is done, but i'm not giving up just yet. True I may be getting a divorce and things may be going down hill for a bit but once you hit the bottom the only way is up. I have an appointment the first week of April to see a therapist. I'm hoping some of my issues can be worked through. If I end up in that situation where my therapist needs a therapist, all I can do is apologise. In the meantime I've been told that after July if I want to keep living in the house I may, this way Sage's brother doesn't become homeless, and all utilities and interwebs and the like stay on. I'm still suffering from borderline Chronic Depression I think, as self-diagnosed while living in Iowa. I don't think I have the mental capacity to function in a work-place enviroment but I leave the decisions up to the professionals. We've decided to stay friends through all of this, although previous times I've attempted this after a relationship, either I stop talking for some reason or they disappear from the internet. I hope to at least be here for Sage if she needs me, whenever she needs me, as a fallback if her move goes south. If not, I wish her all the happyness in the world.

Now comes the real hard work...

3.29.2018

     Hello blog, it's been a few hasn't it. Alot's transpired since the last entry, and this time's ended in meutral divorce. For years Sage had been trying to get me to go to therapy as she believed that my thoughts and actions were registering as forms of mental abuse, and for years I said I didn't think I needed it. I supose if you look at the relationship from the very begining we were doomed to fail. I was already half-broken from previous relationships and then the on the job injury in Iowa that resulted in the law firm going out of business, and Sage just getting out of what she considered to be an abusive relationship. We spent eight years being around each other 24/7 and this was the end result. I was never able to find work and Sage was on SSI.

     When I stop and think and look through stuff that reminds me of the past, I remember how simple stuff was. I remember how happy everyone was. Not sure if it was sticker shock, or if it was genuine. I remember interacting with Sage's brother on a gaming level to have something in common, as were a house of gamers. As time wore on, not all of us became gamers anymore. Sage kept having bouts of depression and anxiety and getting sick alot, and I could never calm or comfort her through those times so I distanced myself. As time wore on, those fealings of depression and anxiety mixed with being manic alot created this new form inside me. It started around the time we moved in with my parents in Tennessee and became quick to see that my folks didn't like Sage or her lifestyle or the fact that we had to bring our cats with us that ended in the death of one of the cats.

     Thinking about one tramatic event, brings back most of the trimatic events. Most of them at the house was about the cats. One time Sage's dad's cat had clawed his way through his window screen and the other cats had gotten out, then one of our cats had gotten her head stuck in the fence and couldn't get it out. I paniced and Sage was able to get her out. Another time was when we moved to TN we had to leave my cat Chinese Food(long story) here as she'd gotten out of the carrier. Sage's father bug-bombed the house before we came back, and while cleaning I found Chinese Food in a box under the couch. I lost it - couldn't contain what I was feeling. Sage's brother ended up burying her in the backyard.Another time I woke up one morning and found my cat dead in the food bucket. She'd aten herself to full, then died from lack of oxygen. How she got in there is anyone's guess. After Sage's cat Boots went missing permanantly, we came to the conclusion that the house is haunted by 2 main spirits. The first dwells in the basement and the second walks around the house, likes to hover over the men in the house. After further cats either died or went missing for no reason and the death of Sage's pet rat, things became interesting. I honestly believe there are those out there that have the gift to communicate with the dead and further believe that Sage has this gift, even though I don't believe in the paranormal. I didn't grow up around that being a normal thing, so it's not something that my brain dwells on. There'd been many attempts to proove wither or not I believe in the paranormal and something always came up that prevented it further.

     Even though I don't believe in the paranormal, there's not something right about this house or land or... and it's been like that since we moved to TN. When we moved back, things felt very different. We found that someone had broken into the house while we were gone and was staying in the basement but didn't stay too long. Sage also says that something changed in me while we were in TN and that my soul appears black. So black the spirits in the house don't interact with me anymore if they tried to in the first place. I'd thought about doing a spirital cleansing and still might, then maybe I'll believe. We tossed religion around alot and at one point Sage was trying to find where she belonged. She's a neo-druid, always has been. She tried Mormonism then Christianism, then converted me to Paganism. It just makes more sense - when you read what Pagan's believe in side by side what Christin's believe, you get a more fuller story; a more complete guide.

     Sage puts alot of blame for how I was raised and how I continue to be on my parents. They never tried to give her the time of day when her parents loved and adored me. Now that things are where they are now, her parents can't stand me. Her mom hates me because of what I became and her dad tolerates me just enough. Yesterday(3/28) I couldn't stand it - couldn't take divorce to mean another relationship ruined by unability to care, so Sage called 911 and I ended up in CPEP for awhile. I felt safer there then I do here. The aptmosphere felt different. I felt it every time I stayed with Sage in CPEP. I still consider my marriage to a horrible failure and while I'm going for psychaitric help now that I have the ability to, it's too late. It's too late because she says it's too late. I want to fix it, but she doesn't. She says she's tired of trying to fix me for eight years and has had enough. We've decided to stay friends but I'll always have that hope that she comes back to me, even though I know she won't.

     From here I hope that therapy has some possitive effect as I'm usualy open-minded when it comes to most things(I became an LGBT activist afterall). At some point I may seek out a spirital cleaning because I can't live like this anymore. As it is I've distanced myself from my YouTubing and work I was doing in SL, as I don't want to half-ass it. I've closed out my Ferzu account and started closing out other sites related to Logansryche. I want to disappear off the internet but at the same time keep in contact with folks. I have serious doubts that I'll be able to hold a job after everything's said and done, so I may consider filing for SSI soon as well.

-Matt













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1.5.2018

Morning Journal, haven't put an entry in here in awhile. Things have been interesting lately, we managed to find ourselves in the middle of Central New York's biggest snow storm in fourty years. We're sitting at an all-time record so far this past week of a foot. The HHR Sage's aunt lent us really does suck in the winter - driving to Wal-Mart this evening had it's own challanges and we'd seen more then a few ambulances running around. Driving back was worse I think - skidded through a stoplight(wasn't going faster then 10mph), it was nuts and I took my anger out on the car. Just getting back up the hill was bad because there was no traction and no plows. Found out their on strike again, which helps no one. Even as I put this entry in here, it's snowing outside and no plows are in sight. Relationship wise is going ok. Sage and her ex have been getting close which is fine to a degree because I know where my marriage stands and where we stand. He wants her to move closer to him so that she can watch his kids again, but there's so much wrong with it logistics wise. It's not just me she'd be leaving behind, but she'd be leaving her brother and he'd have nowhere to go. Was supose to call my primary yesterday to see about getting in to see a psytchatrist, but that never happened. If I remember to I'll ask her when I see her on the tenth. It's weird but I don't feel shock or jealousy or any of that. I guess I really do belong in a home with my memory being the way it is. I was just re-reading some of the older posts which reminded me that Sage's primary called and said their going to be putting her on Lupron for her PCOS, and that once treatment's over, she won't have it anymore. I'm happy for her - goes along the lines of seing her at her worst so I can see her at her best. It's short but that's all, Matt
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1.2.2018

Good Morning Journal, things have seemed to have gone back to normal - Sage isn't feeling depressed anymore, or if she is she's hiding it. Stayed up till 4am playing ESO and Resident Evil with her brother while I took care of stuff in SL. Snow came and dumped 5 inches on us last night and the plows are still out and about(good thing we went shopping when we did). Divorce wasn't brought up at all yesterday, nor was her online relationship with her ex(again, we have an open marriage), so I counted it as a good day. I'm sure there will be something that superceids it at another time where it's not counted at all, but there's peace for now and I'm happy. It's been 4 days now that i've been without my blood preassure med due to the weather, and before I know it I'll be out of my chelesterol med also. We're determined that when i'm off that med I get hyper but don't get manic unless i'm already approaching it. I can also feel the defensiveness building again, like the only time something comes out in the open is when i'm depressed. I use to be such an open book, could ask me anything about everything and I'd respond honestly and truthfully. I'm not sure exactly when I started giving responses people wanted or ignored them alltogether, or start to have a hard time taking people at their word, but it was either while I was bootcamp, when I left bootcamp, or when my ex and I broke up. It's strange how I can remember such things but can't remember day to day stuff. I can remember that one of my close childhood friends passed away from being the victim in a drunken car crash or that my aunt Karen passed away from a disease she didn't get until her fifties, or my first mental breakdown. I guess that's when it started really, but I can connect that event to the reason why I left bootcamp: I became so sick, I became deranged. I wasn't in the right mind and told my CO that I wanted to shoot myself. Would I have, probably not. I think of suicide as the weak way out and advocate such. Thinking about everything from there forward to now, yes: this has to be the point where it started. I don't remember being remotely close to that before joining the Navy or I'm sure my parents would have gotten me help. Sometime after I was medically discharged, I went to work for Stream International in Iowa where the same thing happened. About six months into the job, I got really sick and became deranged again. I was dropping calls, yelling at everyone around me that what they were saying were lies, so they let me go which added to it. I had a full mental breakdown right infront of a friend of mine I made since moving there. I don't know if she was saying the right words or what but it felt like what she was saying had truth in it, not fake speech like what those in the call center were saying. Even now when I first moved in with Sage, there just seemed to be certain things she said that seemed fake and I struggled with putting 100% of my faith in her(it didn't help she admitted more then once to telling some people what they wanted to hear). I've largely gotten over it because I forced myself to - in one hand I love this women with my heart and soul, and in the other I'm judging her without judging her. We married and it seemed like those issues went out the window. I'm going to end the entry there I think. I hope today ends up being as good of a day as yesterday, -Matt
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O.O

Morning Journal, it's about 9:30am on 1/1/2018. Made it another year. We're supose to go over to Sage's Grandma's house but I don't see it happening today - the roads are bad from the snow and slid through a stop sign last night. Not two weeks previously I was driving out of North Med to turn right onto Taft when I skidded in the slush and ice, richochet off a truck and into the back of a 2018 BMW. Lost the passenger mirror and a dent in the back passenger side door. This would mark the first time an accident would be written down as being my fault. I normally enjoy watching the ball drop to ring in the New Year but it felt empty this year. Alot of stuff happened that didn't need to happen this year - Trump becoming President and giving the world the finger, lead guitarist for AC/DC passed away, the accident that I'm probably going to have to pay for, and the constant struggles between Sage and I. We'd actually discussed divorce for the first time in a couple of years. More so she could go be a mother to children that aren't hers that were fathered by her ex to give his ex the finger. I don't mind as much I guess since we have an open marriage - they started doing their thing online and Sage's supose to be heading out that way in May for a convention anyway, leaving me and her brother to our devices for a week. I caught part of conversation while I was sitting there on the bed watching TV that he wanted her to move out there to be there for his kid since Sage had done that before I moved here, and afterwards she assured me she still wanted to move to Japan. Japan. I joke that if I ever move there I'd get in trouble with the ladies, but the truth of the matter is I see it as an exit. An exit to change the scenery, an exit to leave Trump's America, an exit to do something new and exciting. In researching Japan we've found that while people do commit suicide and murders do happen, Japan is one of two of the worlds safest countries. We'd been studying several YouTubers who either toured Japan for it's food or just walk around, and came to the conclusion that we were going to do both: start a livestream where we walked around AND toured food. The only problems we've come across in terms of that is where to stream - YouTube is recognised everywhere but if they don't like what you're streaming, they'll cut your stream without telling you. On the flip side, Twitch's IRL section let's you have more freedom in what you're posting, but isn't as recognised since Twitch is mainly a gamer site. I've come up with a list of equipment we'll need to be able to visit these places and do it all live. We even went as far as to pick out a house that we both agree on. However: everything rides on one factor and that's being a pain in the ass at the moment. Sage found a law firm in Kyoto that said if she got her Paralegal degree, they'd hire her on the spot. Something about shortages in english-speaking lawyers for international stuff, so she went and applied for Liberty College and financial aid is being a pain. According to them, they never got paid back from when she was given money for ITT Tech, but ITT Tech lost their creditation and went out of business across the USA, but these people seem adamant of showing they don't care. It's caused Sage to rethink her entire process because now she has to come up with a backup plan incase she isn't able to secure financial aid. It would shoot our plans to shit because we wouldn't be able to get in to Japan, set up in the house we want, or get the equipment we need. I admit my reactions have been to her reactions and they haven't been positive, it normally leads to an argument and me either leaving the room or Sage going into a seizure. It was never my intention to cause her such harm, but in the end that's all I ever do. I was going through my own rough patches and thought that taking care of someone else would get me out of my rut and we'd help each other out. Sage says she remembers I use to be that person in the begining - caring, willing to do for her, willing to be with her when she needs or wants me. I've attempted to try to remember what that was like or try to force change on my part, only to make situations worse. It's no wonder we're at this point again. I'm going to end this entry here, I need to go wake up Sage and see what she wants to do about her Grandma's, -Matt
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Hello Darkness, How are You?

Good evening journal, today's New Years Eve 2017. Future entries will be more honest as I feel the need to restart this blog to get my thoughts and daily shit out in the open so I don't drive myself crazy. To prevent others from condeming me for my thoughts and actions I've disabled comments. Today was what I would call a normal day. I got up about 7am and got on the pc to check messages: see if anyone important messaged me, but there were the normal ads from Second Life. I've gotten over the flu for the most part but I still koff and fell 'under the weather'. This morning was no different. During the week I normally at least log in to Minecraft to see how the servers are doing but today I just wasn't feeling it. I logged into Second Life to see if there was anything that wasn't sent to email and there wasn't, so I logged off and cuddled my wife. She was dead to the world asleep and didn't even feel me next to her. I must've passed out myself because when I got up again and got back on the computer it was just after 8am. Sage came out of the bedroom sometime after 10am and most of the conversation's a blur to me, but I remember sometime before noon we sat down and played The Forest for a few hours. The owner of the Purple Panda Bakery in Second Life had gotten back to me on the cans I sent her and while we were playing, I was talking to her while talking with Sage on Discord. Sage said her eyes hurt so we quit the game and I went in and cuddled her for a bit. I don't remember much about what happened but around 2pm I said I was hungry and that I was making ramen which started an argument because she said I'd just got done eating Cream of Wheat at 10am. I argued that ramen in the USA is considered a snack food rather then food food, but my main point was I was hungry again. I made ramen, watched TV with Sage, and a majority of the day's a blur. Dinner was homemade burgers on a copper pan we'd gotten from Sage's Aunt for Christmas. The pan was too hot to pick up even with an oven mitt, so I grabbed a plate and put the burgers on it. Sage's brother complained that his bread was going to be soaked in grease now but there wasn't anything I could've done. When I brought the burgers in to Sage she said the same thing but I was able to explain why, so she asked for ketchup and said it was by the kitchen door on the right side. Both myself and her brother had looked all over the kitchen for ketchup and couldn't find it, so Sage got up and came inside and went right to a spot we'd already looked and pulled out a bottle. She was frustrated and it caused another argument. I was berated for my limited knowledge and forgetfulness, which furthered the argument, so I said Fuck You and left with my burgets because I don't waste food. My wife I love to death suffers from PCOS, PTSD, and a couple of other mental discorders I can't remember off hand. Some days are better then others but the last few months it's been more arguments then anything. She has a higher IQ then everyone in the house and went to Cullinary School. When she was younger she was Mensa tested and her IQ was higher then everyone in the school and they wanted to send her to college early, but no one could afford it. Sometime later she witnessed her soul mate's suicide infront of her which gave her PTSD. I can remember bits and pieces of my past and what others have told me while everything else is linked. I remember my social, my birthday, my wife's birthday, our anniversaries, where we met, our marriage - but alot of day to day stuff is a blur for me. Sage thinks it's a defense mechanism from something that happened when I was younger, which lead her to conclude I was abused when I was a child. I've been condemed many times by my wife and brother-in-law for my way of thinking and for my actions. I'm a product of my generation and had what was once considered to be a normal upbrining. My birth parents are still together. I see things around me that take me back to my childhood and nine out of ten times I'm told I'm stupid for it. Sage also thinks I have a form of PTSD because of how my mind works, but I don't think so. Alot of people from my generation either succeeded long enough to marry then divorce, or failed and committed suicide. If you were famous you either ended up straight or bi. There's alot I'd like to get off my chest when I can remember it, and I know this blog is going to end up turning dark because it will be a literal trip into my mind/daily life. I write it all out here so I can refer back to it, so I won't forget it. -Matt
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More Updates

Morning everyone, just a quick update that I now have a Plex server up and going that has some movies and tv shows on it. The server's currently set up on my 2tb external hard drive and there's next to 0 lag. I'll add movies and TV shows as they come and will eventually add music and comic book scans. This server is open for all who want it, however I just ask that donations be tossed my way every now and then. Other then that for security purposes, I'll just need your email address(a invite link will be sent to it). Currently on the server: MOVIES The Bye Bye Man Cowboy Bebop: The Movie Eraser Fireproof Fullmetal Alchemist: The Sacred Star of Milos Metropolis A Nightmare on Elm Street A Nightmare on Elm Street 4 Saving Private Ryan Star Wars: The Force Awakens Stargate Tron(origional) TV SHOWS Warehouse 13 Season 1 Breaking Bad Season 3
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