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5.13.2018

Hello Blog, it's been a few. What's done is done and there's no easy return. My marriage officially dissolved on May 10,2018 and it will never sit right with me. Us as human beings are always acting from our own points of view, which has worked for us, but has also gotten us into trouble. It's also helped to create a new societal norm where our first amendment right is thrown in everyone's face, expecting no repercussions. I feel I've failed as a husband, partner, and friend - and when certain tools were now made available to me, i'm told no. The first night after Sage got in from visiting Ohio and told me she was affirming her wanting to get a divorce, I knew her mind had been made up but at the same time knew it was going to be difficult to change her mind, and in the end, ended up hurting myself more. I ended up in CPEP that night because I didn't feel mentally right - like my world had ended. I was made a promise but I broke it first. The promise was that she was going to give me till the end of July to prove that I could change, that there was something to save what was left of my marriage. The first few days we ok, i'd be asked my honest opinion but when given, made her sad and/or suicidal. She remarked once that if she had to stay, she'd commit suicide - Like suicide would be so much better. I'm not one to talk as that first night i'd contemplated hanging myself in the attic. As the days went on and the issues got worse, I tried to distance myself so the pain wouldn't be so bad on her, and sometimes it was, other times it wasn't. I broke my promise by distancing myself to try and make myself better as I really didn't want to spend another night in CPEP, but at the same time I felt safer there then anywhere else. Paperwork was sent back twice and I took them as signs to try, but I'd try so much that I was asked why I was still trying and that I must be trying to sabotage giving her a happy life. I tried because I care damn it! You don't just waste 8 years just to call it quits and hope everything goes back to normal like it never happened. There are serious repercussions that come with divorce that most don't give two-shits about. A few days after the CPEP visit, I was in the hospital due to severe dehydration. Sage was there up until the time they got me into an actual room. She cared but only up to a certain point, like she wanted to hold on to whatever feelings she had reaffirmed the decision she'd made. When she shattered her kneecap, I was there with her 24/7 to care for her. I'm not 100% innocent in this, not by a long shot. When I first moved here I discovered I needed to keep going till I passed out to keep my brain active. I get this from my dad's side of the family. When she found out what I was doing, Sage said I had a problem with the computer and needed to either stop or seek counseling. When your brain's keeping you awake at night and you don't have a vehicle, a computer becomes your filler. Even when I had a job, my mind would remain active at night and it was happening so frequent, and caused so many problems, I did seek counseling. However it was in the form of Sage's therapist who had been hers for 3 years before I moved in, and was getting ready to retire. The three of us would discuss what was going on and in the end nothing helped. It seemed like she was trying to mediate us to help, but really didn't know what she'd gotten herself info. Couple of years pass and I'm out of work, and we hear that that house was going to be foreclosed on because Sage's father was trying to get on SSI and the bank wanted to sweep it under the rug beforehand, to use it as a viable excuse to pull the house. My folks were living in TN at the time and said that we could come stay with them while we try to figure out what to do, and then the plan changed to my folks buying a bare-bones cabin that we'd pay them back for. The trip down wasn't that bad, and did it in record time. When we arrived however, nothing had been done to the cabin. No power, no insulation, no nothing. My dad did put in some junction boxes where outlets and switches would go, but never finished. In fact, I ended up witing up an outlet so we could have a fridge, toaster oven, and hotplate running. It was a step above camping. Winter had set in and we found out how cold it got. My folks had given us some sheeting and a couple of heaters to try and keep the living area warm at least, but in the end one heater almost caught fire and was colder then what it was supposed to be. I'd gotten ahold of an insulator wholesaler who at first said they could outfit the cabin for $500, then said it was going to cost more. I was transferred to a second person who said it was going to cost $800, and by the night was done, I'd received an email from a third person saying it was going to cost even higher than that so I told them I wasn't one to be jerked around with and told em where to shove it. By this time Sage's father was on SSI and the bank was willing to work to keep the house. Also by this time tensions between my folks and Sage were getting really high and at one point she said that TN was the worst idea I'd ever come up with and that if we had to stay another month, she'd commit suicide, so we packed the truck up as much as we could and moved back. Sometime during the trip back I'd blown the head gasket but didn't know it until it was pointed out to me. We came back to find the front door had been smashed in and the neighbors said someone was squatting in the basement the past week. We also discovered how racist the lady across the street was but also came to the conclusion that she had a thing for Sage's dad and was pissed he wasn't around. Most of that time is fuzzy but Sage says I got worse after moving back. That we argued more, defending my parents, etc.. I was raised that you only have one birth parents. They may treat you like dirt or ruin your life, but their the only ones you get. I do remember alot of fun times over the years. My brain tends to work in the mode of 'if it's a happy or tragic memory, let's remember it, but forget everything else'. I can remember the times we use to sit around for family game night or the times Sage's brother and I gamed on the xbox so I could get comfortable around him, or the trips to the mall because we'd found the best pizza in town -or Sage's first trip to Disneyworld. I remember getting married and how our first anniversary was... I also remember the death of my friend David, and the recent vegetative state of my friend Jon. So many things piled on at once with divorce to tip the scale. Ever since the hospital visit, things have changed and I feel they've gotten progressively worse. As soon as the divorce was final, she called a friend and he was here the next night and they left. Didn't even wait till July. I'm finding myself staying awake longer because I don't want to sleep because there's no one there anymore. I sleep when I pass out. If it slowly kills me or puts me back in the hospital, oh well. If it does eventually kill me, I won't have to worry about it anymore. I've reduced myself to drinking Monster and eating Shin noodle soup, mostly because I just don't care about my health anymore. I don't care about much anything anymore, I feel numb. Lonelyness sets in fast, depression sets in fast, and I despise both. Only time I felt mellow today was when I was at Tully's with Sage's brother, father and aunt for dinner and had a brew, but felt like garbage afterwards. I was going to stream tonight but decided to write this entry instead. -Matt
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4.30.2018

To Whom it May Concern... this blog was set up as a catch-all for my personal and gaming life and somewhere down the line certain people thought it would be ok to challenge the validity of it by praising the gaming side and criticizing the personal side. Don't like both in one place? Tough shit. The blog is here to stay.

In gaming news, I'll be wrapping up season 2 of Aternos Minecraft. I won't be leaving the game indefinitely, but doing the series as a whole is done. I'm toying with the idea of a playthrough of New Vegas on the 360 maybe... or something else, not sure. My YouTube's always been a mixed bag of content.

In personal news, I'm going to therapy for my issues as being alone is making my chest hurt - and I really don't want to go back to CPEP. In doing some research, we've come to determine that Astrologically Sage and I were never compatible to begin with, but have also determined that I should instead be looking for a mouse born in December, and because I've fallen for Japan, a Japanese mouse born in December. Those in the fandom should know what I'm talking about. Seeking one out or attempting to seek one out has been hindered by FOSTA and the suspension/hiatus/closing of Pounced.org

In the meantime I have some links to fix here on the site.
Enjoy,
Logansryche

3.30.2018

     Well... what's done is done, but i'm not giving up just yet. True I may be getting a divorce and things may be going down hill for a bit but once you hit the bottom the only way is up. I have an appointment the first week of April to see a therapist. I'm hoping some of my issues can be worked through. If I end up in that situation where my therapist needs a therapist, all I can do is apologise. In the meantime I've been told that after July if I want to keep living in the house I may, this way Sage's brother doesn't become homeless, and all utilities and interwebs and the like stay on. I'm still suffering from borderline Chronic Depression I think, as self-diagnosed while living in Iowa. I don't think I have the mental capacity to function in a work-place enviroment but I leave the decisions up to the professionals. We've decided to stay friends through all of this, although previous times I've attempted this after a relationship, either I stop talking for some reason or they disappear from the internet. I hope to at least be here for Sage if she needs me, whenever she needs me, as a fallback if her move goes south. If not, I wish her all the happyness in the world.

Now comes the real hard work...
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3.29.2018

     Hello blog, it's been a few hasn't it. Alot's transpired since the last entry, and this time's ended in meutral divorce. For years Sage had been trying to get me to go to therapy as she believed that my thoughts and actions were registering as forms of mental abuse, and for years I said I didn't think I needed it. I supose if you look at the relationship from the very begining we were doomed to fail. I was already half-broken from previous relationships and then the on the job injury in Iowa that resulted in the law firm going out of business, and Sage just getting out of what she considered to be an abusive relationship. We spent eight years being around each other 24/7 and this was the end result. I was never able to find work and Sage was on SSI.

     When I stop and think and look through stuff that reminds me of the past, I remember how simple stuff was. I remember how happy everyone was. Not sure if it was sticker shock, or if it was genuine. I remember interacting with Sage's brother on a gaming level to have something in common, as were a house of gamers. As time wore on, not all of us became gamers anymore. Sage kept having bouts of depression and anxiety and getting sick alot, and I could never calm or comfort her through those times so I distanced myself. As time wore on, those fealings of depression and anxiety mixed with being manic alot created this new form inside me. It started around the time we moved in with my parents in Tennessee and became quick to see that my folks didn't like Sage or her lifestyle or the fact that we had to bring our cats with us that ended in the death of one of the cats.

     Thinking about one tramatic event, brings back most of the trimatic events. Most of them at the house was about the cats. One time Sage's dad's cat had clawed his way through his window screen and the other cats had gotten out, then one of our cats had gotten her head stuck in the fence and couldn't get it out. I paniced and Sage was able to get her out. Another time was when we moved to TN we had to leave my cat Chinese Food(long story) here as she'd gotten out of the carrier. Sage's father bug-bombed the house before we came back, and while cleaning I found Chinese Food in a box under the couch. I lost it - couldn't contain what I was feeling. Sage's brother ended up burying her in the backyard.Another time I woke up one morning and found my cat dead in the food bucket. She'd aten herself to full, then died from lack of oxygen. How she got in there is anyone's guess. After Sage's cat Boots went missing permanantly, we came to the conclusion that the house is haunted by 2 main spirits. The first dwells in the basement and the second walks around the house, likes to hover over the men in the house. After further cats either died or went missing for no reason and the death of Sage's pet rat, things became interesting. I honestly believe there are those out there that have the gift to communicate with the dead and further believe that Sage has this gift, even though I don't believe in the paranormal. I didn't grow up around that being a normal thing, so it's not something that my brain dwells on. There'd been many attempts to proove wither or not I believe in the paranormal and something always came up that prevented it further.

     Even though I don't believe in the paranormal, there's not something right about this house or land or... and it's been like that since we moved to TN. When we moved back, things felt very different. We found that someone had broken into the house while we were gone and was staying in the basement but didn't stay too long. Sage also says that something changed in me while we were in TN and that my soul appears black. So black the spirits in the house don't interact with me anymore if they tried to in the first place. I'd thought about doing a spirital cleansing and still might, then maybe I'll believe. We tossed religion around alot and at one point Sage was trying to find where she belonged. She's a neo-druid, always has been. She tried Mormonism then Christianism, then converted me to Paganism. It just makes more sense - when you read what Pagan's believe in side by side what Christin's believe, you get a more fuller story; a more complete guide.

     Sage puts alot of blame for how I was raised and how I continue to be on my parents. They never tried to give her the time of day when her parents loved and adored me. Now that things are where they are now, her parents can't stand me. Her mom hates me because of what I became and her dad tolerates me just enough. Yesterday(3/28) I couldn't stand it - couldn't take divorce to mean another relationship ruined by unability to care, so Sage called 911 and I ended up in CPEP for awhile. I felt safer there then I do here. The aptmosphere felt different. I felt it every time I stayed with Sage in CPEP. I still consider my marriage to a horrible failure and while I'm going for psychaitric help now that I have the ability to, it's too late. It's too late because she says it's too late. I want to fix it, but she doesn't. She says she's tired of trying to fix me for eight years and has had enough. We've decided to stay friends but I'll always have that hope that she comes back to me, even though I know she won't.

     From here I hope that therapy has some possitive effect as I'm usualy open-minded when it comes to most things(I became an LGBT activist afterall). At some point I may seek out a spirital cleaning because I can't live like this anymore. As it is I've distanced myself from my YouTubing and work I was doing in SL, as I don't want to half-ass it. I've closed out my Ferzu account and started closing out other sites related to Logansryche. I want to disappear off the internet but at the same time keep in contact with folks. I have serious doubts that I'll be able to hold a job after everything's said and done, so I may consider filing for SSI soon as well.

-Matt













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1.5.2018

Morning Journal, haven't put an entry in here in awhile. Things have been interesting lately, we managed to find ourselves in the middle of Central New York's biggest snow storm in fourty years. We're sitting at an all-time record so far this past week of a foot. The HHR Sage's aunt lent us really does suck in the winter - driving to Wal-Mart this evening had it's own challanges and we'd seen more then a few ambulances running around. Driving back was worse I think - skidded through a stoplight(wasn't going faster then 10mph), it was nuts and I took my anger out on the car. Just getting back up the hill was bad because there was no traction and no plows. Found out their on strike again, which helps no one. Even as I put this entry in here, it's snowing outside and no plows are in sight. Relationship wise is going ok. Sage and her ex have been getting close which is fine to a degree because I know where my marriage stands and where we stand. He wants her to move closer to him so that she can watch his kids again, but there's so much wrong with it logistics wise. It's not just me she'd be leaving behind, but she'd be leaving her brother and he'd have nowhere to go. Was supose to call my primary yesterday to see about getting in to see a psytchatrist, but that never happened. If I remember to I'll ask her when I see her on the tenth. It's weird but I don't feel shock or jealousy or any of that. I guess I really do belong in a home with my memory being the way it is. I was just re-reading some of the older posts which reminded me that Sage's primary called and said their going to be putting her on Lupron for her PCOS, and that once treatment's over, she won't have it anymore. I'm happy for her - goes along the lines of seing her at her worst so I can see her at her best. It's short but that's all, Matt
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1.2.2018

Good Morning Journal, things have seemed to have gone back to normal - Sage isn't feeling depressed anymore, or if she is she's hiding it. Stayed up till 4am playing ESO and Resident Evil with her brother while I took care of stuff in SL. Snow came and dumped 5 inches on us last night and the plows are still out and about(good thing we went shopping when we did). Divorce wasn't brought up at all yesterday, nor was her online relationship with her ex(again, we have an open marriage), so I counted it as a good day. I'm sure there will be something that superceids it at another time where it's not counted at all, but there's peace for now and I'm happy. It's been 4 days now that i've been without my blood preassure med due to the weather, and before I know it I'll be out of my chelesterol med also. We're determined that when i'm off that med I get hyper but don't get manic unless i'm already approaching it. I can also feel the defensiveness building again, like the only time something comes out in the open is when i'm depressed. I use to be such an open book, could ask me anything about everything and I'd respond honestly and truthfully. I'm not sure exactly when I started giving responses people wanted or ignored them alltogether, or start to have a hard time taking people at their word, but it was either while I was bootcamp, when I left bootcamp, or when my ex and I broke up. It's strange how I can remember such things but can't remember day to day stuff. I can remember that one of my close childhood friends passed away from being the victim in a drunken car crash or that my aunt Karen passed away from a disease she didn't get until her fifties, or my first mental breakdown. I guess that's when it started really, but I can connect that event to the reason why I left bootcamp: I became so sick, I became deranged. I wasn't in the right mind and told my CO that I wanted to shoot myself. Would I have, probably not. I think of suicide as the weak way out and advocate such. Thinking about everything from there forward to now, yes: this has to be the point where it started. I don't remember being remotely close to that before joining the Navy or I'm sure my parents would have gotten me help. Sometime after I was medically discharged, I went to work for Stream International in Iowa where the same thing happened. About six months into the job, I got really sick and became deranged again. I was dropping calls, yelling at everyone around me that what they were saying were lies, so they let me go which added to it. I had a full mental breakdown right infront of a friend of mine I made since moving there. I don't know if she was saying the right words or what but it felt like what she was saying had truth in it, not fake speech like what those in the call center were saying. Even now when I first moved in with Sage, there just seemed to be certain things she said that seemed fake and I struggled with putting 100% of my faith in her(it didn't help she admitted more then once to telling some people what they wanted to hear). I've largely gotten over it because I forced myself to - in one hand I love this women with my heart and soul, and in the other I'm judging her without judging her. We married and it seemed like those issues went out the window. I'm going to end the entry there I think. I hope today ends up being as good of a day as yesterday, -Matt
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O.O

Morning Journal, it's about 9:30am on 1/1/2018. Made it another year. We're supose to go over to Sage's Grandma's house but I don't see it happening today - the roads are bad from the snow and slid through a stop sign last night. Not two weeks previously I was driving out of North Med to turn right onto Taft when I skidded in the slush and ice, richochet off a truck and into the back of a 2018 BMW. Lost the passenger mirror and a dent in the back passenger side door. This would mark the first time an accident would be written down as being my fault. I normally enjoy watching the ball drop to ring in the New Year but it felt empty this year. Alot of stuff happened that didn't need to happen this year - Trump becoming President and giving the world the finger, lead guitarist for AC/DC passed away, the accident that I'm probably going to have to pay for, and the constant struggles between Sage and I. We'd actually discussed divorce for the first time in a couple of years. More so she could go be a mother to children that aren't hers that were fathered by her ex to give his ex the finger. I don't mind as much I guess since we have an open marriage - they started doing their thing online and Sage's supose to be heading out that way in May for a convention anyway, leaving me and her brother to our devices for a week. I caught part of conversation while I was sitting there on the bed watching TV that he wanted her to move out there to be there for his kid since Sage had done that before I moved here, and afterwards she assured me she still wanted to move to Japan. Japan. I joke that if I ever move there I'd get in trouble with the ladies, but the truth of the matter is I see it as an exit. An exit to change the scenery, an exit to leave Trump's America, an exit to do something new and exciting. In researching Japan we've found that while people do commit suicide and murders do happen, Japan is one of two of the worlds safest countries. We'd been studying several YouTubers who either toured Japan for it's food or just walk around, and came to the conclusion that we were going to do both: start a livestream where we walked around AND toured food. The only problems we've come across in terms of that is where to stream - YouTube is recognised everywhere but if they don't like what you're streaming, they'll cut your stream without telling you. On the flip side, Twitch's IRL section let's you have more freedom in what you're posting, but isn't as recognised since Twitch is mainly a gamer site. I've come up with a list of equipment we'll need to be able to visit these places and do it all live. We even went as far as to pick out a house that we both agree on. However: everything rides on one factor and that's being a pain in the ass at the moment. Sage found a law firm in Kyoto that said if she got her Paralegal degree, they'd hire her on the spot. Something about shortages in english-speaking lawyers for international stuff, so she went and applied for Liberty College and financial aid is being a pain. According to them, they never got paid back from when she was given money for ITT Tech, but ITT Tech lost their creditation and went out of business across the USA, but these people seem adamant of showing they don't care. It's caused Sage to rethink her entire process because now she has to come up with a backup plan incase she isn't able to secure financial aid. It would shoot our plans to shit because we wouldn't be able to get in to Japan, set up in the house we want, or get the equipment we need. I admit my reactions have been to her reactions and they haven't been positive, it normally leads to an argument and me either leaving the room or Sage going into a seizure. It was never my intention to cause her such harm, but in the end that's all I ever do. I was going through my own rough patches and thought that taking care of someone else would get me out of my rut and we'd help each other out. Sage says she remembers I use to be that person in the begining - caring, willing to do for her, willing to be with her when she needs or wants me. I've attempted to try to remember what that was like or try to force change on my part, only to make situations worse. It's no wonder we're at this point again. I'm going to end this entry here, I need to go wake up Sage and see what she wants to do about her Grandma's, -Matt
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