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Sunday, October 30, 2016

     Hello Internet, alot's happened since posting last. I created this blog with the intent of sharing with everyone my thoughts, feelings, and views on the world around ,me. I've been having nightmares on and off the past few months and they've intensified this past month. The subject matter never leaves me with enough to remember but my wife Nicole says that their usually in reaction to whatever's on the TV(wither it be youtube, netflix, etc..).

     This morning's nightmare was different. This morning's nightmare was about the aftermath of my wife passing away and how I coped with the loss. I love my wife to death. We've been together for seven years and been married 3 years on the 10th of this year. I knew when we met that she had alot of mental and physical issues including PCOS and a weak heart. As a first time married couple we feel we have something most couples don't: Love. There's something in most of these couple's brains that clicks which usualy end in divorce after a couple of years of being married. We still have this connection, this bond, that's unbreakable. Do we argue? You bet - unless you were married in the 50s or 60s any married couple that's never argued once in their marriage needs to be evaluated. I explain a bit more about my marriage and how much I love my wife because when I have nightmares like this one, it hurts. It's a physical pain that wakes me up out of sleep like something's been torn from my chest. With it getting closer to the winter season, Nicole's gotten sicker faster. In fact we'd just gotten home from the hospital because she had blood in her stool that wouldn't stop. ER doctors says it's colidis. Last week when we were there it was something else.

     I thankfully don't get this type of nightmare very often, but when I do, it makes me re-evaluate things. If for some reason Nicole really did pass away, how would I handle it? Would I go insane? Would I be calm as I have been before when I'm around people and secretly cry it out? Would I get severe separation anxiety? Would I attempt suicide just to be with her? These are just a sample of things that run through my head in a matter of minutes when this type of nightmare wakes me up. Thankfully when I do wake up Nicole's right there to comfort me, as I am for her when she's in the hospital. I dread the one time I do wake up and she isn't there. The last time I had such a nightmare was a few months ago when again, she was in the hospital because of something. That time it was when we were told Nicole had a weak heart. I explained everything above to my dr and she put me on blood pressure pills because the stress these nightmares gives me could give me a heart attack(then Nicole would experience everything I would've experienced and I don't wish that on anyone).

     There's no moral to the story but it makes me feel better to write how i'm feeling, wither it be on a blog or talking with Nicole about it. I'm tearing every few words just writing it. I also just got done loosing my Aunt Karen to MS last month. She taught me how to live a little and to live life to it's fullest as it's too short to be stuck up. She taught me the proper way to play poker and told me stories about how when she was younger she use to smoke punks in a stock Buick Riveria. Her mom passed away 10 years before that from a fall in the house, It didn't seem to effect her as much I guess because she was around my dad and me, and felt it was important to try and pass on things that were taught to her so that I didn't come off so stuck up. Honestly I think she did it to rattle my mom because my mom was born from the then rich area of the island.

Thanks for listening internet,

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