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Morning Journal, haven't put an entry in here in awhile. Things have been interesting lately, we managed to find ourselves in the middle of Central New York's biggest snow storm in fourty years. We're sitting at an all-time record so far this past week of a foot. The HHR Sage's aunt lent us really does suck in the winter - driving to Wal-Mart this evening had it's own challanges and we'd seen more then a few ambulances running around. Driving back was worse I think - skidded through a stoplight(wasn't going faster then 10mph), it was nuts and I took my anger out on the car. Just getting back up the hill was bad because there was no traction and no plows. Found out their on strike again, which helps no one. Even as I put this entry in here, it's snowing outside and no plows are in sight. Relationship wise is going ok. Sage and her ex have been getting close which is fine to a degree because I know where my marriage stands and where we stand. He wants her to move closer to him so that she can watch his kids again, but there's so much wrong with it logistics wise. It's not just me she'd be leaving behind, but she'd be leaving her brother and he'd have nowhere to go. Was supose to call my primary yesterday to see about getting in to see a psytchatrist, but that never happened. If I remember to I'll ask her when I see her on the tenth. It's weird but I don't feel shock or jealousy or any of that. I guess I really do belong in a home with my memory being the way it is. I was just re-reading some of the older posts which reminded me that Sage's primary called and said their going to be putting her on Lupron for her PCOS, and that once treatment's over, she won't have it anymore. I'm happy for her - goes along the lines of seing her at her worst so I can see her at her best. It's short but that's all, Matt

Good Morning Journal, things have seemed to have gone back to normal - Sage isn't feeling depressed anymore, or if she is she's hiding it. Stayed up till 4am playing ESO and Resident Evil with her brother while I took care of stuff in SL. Snow came and dumped 5 inches on us last night and the plows are still out and about(good thing we went shopping when we did). Divorce wasn't brought up at all yesterday, nor was her online relationship with her ex(again, we have an open marriage), so I counted it as a good day. I'm sure there will be something that superceids it at another time where it's not counted at all, but there's peace for now and I'm happy. It's been 4 days now that i've been without my blood preassure med due to the weather, and before I know it I'll be out of my chelesterol med also. We're determined that when i'm off that med I get hyper but don't get manic unless i'm already approaching it. I can also feel the defensiveness building again, like the only time something comes out in the open is when i'm depressed. I use to be such an open book, could ask me anything about everything and I'd respond honestly and truthfully. I'm not sure exactly when I started giving responses people wanted or ignored them alltogether, or start to have a hard time taking people at their word, but it was either while I was bootcamp, when I left bootcamp, or when my ex and I broke up. It's strange how I can remember such things but can't remember day to day stuff. I can remember that one of my close childhood friends passed away from being the victim in a drunken car crash or that my aunt Karen passed away from a disease she didn't get until her fifties, or my first mental breakdown. I guess that's when it started really, but I can connect that event to the reason why I left bootcamp: I became so sick, I became deranged. I wasn't in the right mind and told my CO that I wanted to shoot myself. Would I have, probably not. I think of suicide as the weak way out and advocate such. Thinking about everything from there forward to now, yes: this has to be the point where it started. I don't remember being remotely close to that before joining the Navy or I'm sure my parents would have gotten me help. Sometime after I was medically discharged, I went to work for Stream International in Iowa where the same thing happened. About six months into the job, I got really sick and became deranged again. I was dropping calls, yelling at everyone around me that what they were saying were lies, so they let me go which added to it. I had a full mental breakdown right infront of a friend of mine I made since moving there. I don't know if she was saying the right words or what but it felt like what she was saying had truth in it, not fake speech like what those in the call center were saying. Even now when I first moved in with Sage, there just seemed to be certain things she said that seemed fake and I struggled with putting 100% of my faith in her(it didn't help she admitted more then once to telling some people what they wanted to hear). I've largely gotten over it because I forced myself to - in one hand I love this women with my heart and soul, and in the other I'm judging her without judging her. We married and it seemed like those issues went out the window. I'm going to end the entry there I think. I hope today ends up being as good of a day as yesterday, -Matt

Morning Journal, it's about 9:30am on 1/1/2018. Made it another year. We're supose to go over to Sage's Grandma's house but I don't see it happening today - the roads are bad from the snow and slid through a stop sign last night. Not two weeks previously I was driving out of North Med to turn right onto Taft when I skidded in the slush and ice, richochet off a truck and into the back of a 2018 BMW. Lost the passenger mirror and a dent in the back passenger side door. This would mark the first time an accident would be written down as being my fault. I normally enjoy watching the ball drop to ring in the New Year but it felt empty this year. Alot of stuff happened that didn't need to happen this year - Trump becoming President and giving the world the finger, lead guitarist for AC/DC passed away, the accident that I'm probably going to have to pay for, and the constant struggles between Sage and I. We'd actually discussed divorce for the first time in a couple of years. More so she could go be a mother to children that aren't hers that were fathered by her ex to give his ex the finger. I don't mind as much I guess since we have an open marriage - they started doing their thing online and Sage's supose to be heading out that way in May for a convention anyway, leaving me and her brother to our devices for a week. I caught part of conversation while I was sitting there on the bed watching TV that he wanted her to move out there to be there for his kid since Sage had done that before I moved here, and afterwards she assured me she still wanted to move to Japan. Japan. I joke that if I ever move there I'd get in trouble with the ladies, but the truth of the matter is I see it as an exit. An exit to change the scenery, an exit to leave Trump's America, an exit to do something new and exciting. In researching Japan we've found that while people do commit suicide and murders do happen, Japan is one of two of the worlds safest countries. We'd been studying several YouTubers who either toured Japan for it's food or just walk around, and came to the conclusion that we were going to do both: start a livestream where we walked around AND toured food. The only problems we've come across in terms of that is where to stream - YouTube is recognised everywhere but if they don't like what you're streaming, they'll cut your stream without telling you. On the flip side, Twitch's IRL section let's you have more freedom in what you're posting, but isn't as recognised since Twitch is mainly a gamer site. I've come up with a list of equipment we'll need to be able to visit these places and do it all live. We even went as far as to pick out a house that we both agree on. However: everything rides on one factor and that's being a pain in the ass at the moment. Sage found a law firm in Kyoto that said if she got her Paralegal degree, they'd hire her on the spot. Something about shortages in english-speaking lawyers for international stuff, so she went and applied for Liberty College and financial aid is being a pain. According to them, they never got paid back from when she was given money for ITT Tech, but ITT Tech lost their creditation and went out of business across the USA, but these people seem adamant of showing they don't care. It's caused Sage to rethink her entire process because now she has to come up with a backup plan incase she isn't able to secure financial aid. It would shoot our plans to shit because we wouldn't be able to get in to Japan, set up in the house we want, or get the equipment we need. I admit my reactions have been to her reactions and they haven't been positive, it normally leads to an argument and me either leaving the room or Sage going into a seizure. It was never my intention to cause her such harm, but in the end that's all I ever do. I was going through my own rough patches and thought that taking care of someone else would get me out of my rut and we'd help each other out. Sage says she remembers I use to be that person in the begining - caring, willing to do for her, willing to be with her when she needs or wants me. I've attempted to try to remember what that was like or try to force change on my part, only to make situations worse. It's no wonder we're at this point again. I'm going to end this entry here, I need to go wake up Sage and see what she wants to do about her Grandma's, -Matt