Hello blog, it's been a few hasn't it. Alot's transpired since the last entry, and this time's ended in meutral divorce. For years Sage had been trying to get me to go to therapy as she believed that my thoughts and actions were registering as forms of mental abuse, and for years I said I didn't think I needed it. I supose if you look at the relationship from the very begining we were doomed to fail. I was already half-broken from previous relationships and then the on the job injury in Iowa that resulted in the law firm going out of business, and Sage just getting out of what she considered to be an abusive relationship. We spent eight years being around each other 24/7 and this was the end result. I was never able to find work and Sage was on SSI.
When I stop and think and look through stuff that reminds me of the past, I remember how simple stuff was. I remember how happy everyone was. Not sure if it was sticker shock, or if it was genuine. I remember interacting with Sage's brother on a gaming level to have something in common, as were a house of gamers. As time wore on, not all of us became gamers anymore. Sage kept having bouts of depression and anxiety and getting sick alot, and I could never calm or comfort her through those times so I distanced myself. As time wore on, those fealings of depression and anxiety mixed with being manic alot created this new form inside me. It started around the time we moved in with my parents in Tennessee and became quick to see that my folks didn't like Sage or her lifestyle or the fact that we had to bring our cats with us that ended in the death of one of the cats.
Thinking about one tramatic event, brings back most of the trimatic events. Most of them at the house was about the cats. One time Sage's dad's cat had clawed his way through his window screen and the other cats had gotten out, then one of our cats had gotten her head stuck in the fence and couldn't get it out. I paniced and Sage was able to get her out. Another time was when we moved to TN we had to leave my cat Chinese Food(long story) here as she'd gotten out of the carrier. Sage's father bug-bombed the house before we came back, and while cleaning I found Chinese Food in a box under the couch. I lost it - couldn't contain what I was feeling. Sage's brother ended up burying her in the backyard.Another time I woke up one morning and found my cat dead in the food bucket. She'd aten herself to full, then died from lack of oxygen. How she got in there is anyone's guess. After Sage's cat Boots went missing permanantly, we came to the conclusion that the house is haunted by 2 main spirits. The first dwells in the basement and the second walks around the house, likes to hover over the men in the house. After further cats either died or went missing for no reason and the death of Sage's pet rat, things became interesting. I honestly believe there are those out there that have the gift to communicate with the dead and further believe that Sage has this gift, even though I don't believe in the paranormal. I didn't grow up around that being a normal thing, so it's not something that my brain dwells on. There'd been many attempts to proove wither or not I believe in the paranormal and something always came up that prevented it further.
Even though I don't believe in the paranormal, there's not something right about this house or land or... and it's been like that since we moved to TN. When we moved back, things felt very different. We found that someone had broken into the house while we were gone and was staying in the basement but didn't stay too long. Sage also says that something changed in me while we were in TN and that my soul appears black. So black the spirits in the house don't interact with me anymore if they tried to in the first place. I'd thought about doing a spirital cleansing and still might, then maybe I'll believe. We tossed religion around alot and at one point Sage was trying to find where she belonged. She's a neo-druid, always has been. She tried Mormonism then Christianism, then converted me to Paganism. It just makes more sense - when you read what Pagan's believe in side by side what Christin's believe, you get a more fuller story; a more complete guide.
Sage puts alot of blame for how I was raised and how I continue to be on my parents. They never tried to give her the time of day when her parents loved and adored me. Now that things are where they are now, her parents can't stand me. Her mom hates me because of what I became and her dad tolerates me just enough. Yesterday(3/28) I couldn't stand it - couldn't take divorce to mean another relationship ruined by unability to care, so Sage called 911 and I ended up in CPEP for awhile. I felt safer there then I do here. The aptmosphere felt different. I felt it every time I stayed with Sage in CPEP. I still consider my marriage to a horrible failure and while I'm going for psychaitric help now that I have the ability to, it's too late. It's too late because she says it's too late. I want to fix it, but she doesn't. She says she's tired of trying to fix me for eight years and has had enough. We've decided to stay friends but I'll always have that hope that she comes back to me, even though I know she won't.
From here I hope that therapy has some possitive effect as I'm usualy open-minded when it comes to most things(I became an LGBT activist afterall). At some point I may seek out a spirital cleaning because I can't live like this anymore. As it is I've distanced myself from my YouTubing and work I was doing in SL, as I don't want to half-ass it. I've closed out my Ferzu account and started closing out other sites related to Logansryche. I want to disappear off the internet but at the same time keep in contact with folks. I have serious doubts that I'll be able to hold a job after everything's said and done, so I may consider filing for SSI soon as well.
-Matt
Thursday, March 29, 2018
