Welcome to RyconFox

Hello Blog, it's been a few. What's done is done and there's no easy return. My marriage officially dissolved on May 10,2018 and it will never sit right with me. Us as human beings are always acting from our own points of view, which has worked for us, but has also gotten us into trouble. It's also helped to create a new societal norm where our first amendment right is thrown in everyone's face, expecting no repercussions. I feel I've failed as a husband, partner, and friend - and when certain tools were now made available to me, i'm told no. The first night after Sage got in from visiting Ohio and told me she was affirming her wanting to get a divorce, I knew her mind had been made up but at the same time knew it was going to be difficult to change her mind, and in the end, ended up hurting myself more. I ended up in CPEP that night because I didn't feel mentally right - like my world had ended. I was made a promise but I broke it first. The promise was that she was going to give me till the end of July to prove that I could change, that there was something to save what was left of my marriage. The first few days we ok, i'd be asked my honest opinion but when given, made her sad and/or suicidal. She remarked once that if she had to stay, she'd commit suicide - Like suicide would be so much better. I'm not one to talk as that first night i'd contemplated hanging myself in the attic. As the days went on and the issues got worse, I tried to distance myself so the pain wouldn't be so bad on her, and sometimes it was, other times it wasn't. I broke my promise by distancing myself to try and make myself better as I really didn't want to spend another night in CPEP, but at the same time I felt safer there then anywhere else. Paperwork was sent back twice and I took them as signs to try, but I'd try so much that I was asked why I was still trying and that I must be trying to sabotage giving her a happy life. I tried because I care damn it! You don't just waste 8 years just to call it quits and hope everything goes back to normal like it never happened. There are serious repercussions that come with divorce that most don't give two-shits about. A few days after the CPEP visit, I was in the hospital due to severe dehydration. Sage was there up until the time they got me into an actual room. She cared but only up to a certain point, like she wanted to hold on to whatever feelings she had reaffirmed the decision she'd made. When she shattered her kneecap, I was there with her 24/7 to care for her. I'm not 100% innocent in this, not by a long shot. When I first moved here I discovered I needed to keep going till I passed out to keep my brain active. I get this from my dad's side of the family. When she found out what I was doing, Sage said I had a problem with the computer and needed to either stop or seek counseling. When your brain's keeping you awake at night and you don't have a vehicle, a computer becomes your filler. Even when I had a job, my mind would remain active at night and it was happening so frequent, and caused so many problems, I did seek counseling. However it was in the form of Sage's therapist who had been hers for 3 years before I moved in, and was getting ready to retire. The three of us would discuss what was going on and in the end nothing helped. It seemed like she was trying to mediate us to help, but really didn't know what she'd gotten herself info. Couple of years pass and I'm out of work, and we hear that that house was going to be foreclosed on because Sage's father was trying to get on SSI and the bank wanted to sweep it under the rug beforehand, to use it as a viable excuse to pull the house. My folks were living in TN at the time and said that we could come stay with them while we try to figure out what to do, and then the plan changed to my folks buying a bare-bones cabin that we'd pay them back for. The trip down wasn't that bad, and did it in record time. When we arrived however, nothing had been done to the cabin. No power, no insulation, no nothing. My dad did put in some junction boxes where outlets and switches would go, but never finished. In fact, I ended up witing up an outlet so we could have a fridge, toaster oven, and hotplate running. It was a step above camping. Winter had set in and we found out how cold it got. My folks had given us some sheeting and a couple of heaters to try and keep the living area warm at least, but in the end one heater almost caught fire and was colder then what it was supposed to be. I'd gotten ahold of an insulator wholesaler who at first said they could outfit the cabin for $500, then said it was going to cost more. I was transferred to a second person who said it was going to cost $800, and by the night was done, I'd received an email from a third person saying it was going to cost even higher than that so I told them I wasn't one to be jerked around with and told em where to shove it. By this time Sage's father was on SSI and the bank was willing to work to keep the house. Also by this time tensions between my folks and Sage were getting really high and at one point she said that TN was the worst idea I'd ever come up with and that if we had to stay another month, she'd commit suicide, so we packed the truck up as much as we could and moved back. Sometime during the trip back I'd blown the head gasket but didn't know it until it was pointed out to me. We came back to find the front door had been smashed in and the neighbors said someone was squatting in the basement the past week. We also discovered how racist the lady across the street was but also came to the conclusion that she had a thing for Sage's dad and was pissed he wasn't around. Most of that time is fuzzy but Sage says I got worse after moving back. That we argued more, defending my parents, etc.. I was raised that you only have one birth parents. They may treat you like dirt or ruin your life, but their the only ones you get. I do remember alot of fun times over the years. My brain tends to work in the mode of 'if it's a happy or tragic memory, let's remember it, but forget everything else'. I can remember the times we use to sit around for family game night or the times Sage's brother and I gamed on the xbox so I could get comfortable around him, or the trips to the mall because we'd found the best pizza in town -or Sage's first trip to Disneyworld. I remember getting married and how our first anniversary was... I also remember the death of my friend David, and the recent vegetative state of my friend Jon. So many things piled on at once with divorce to tip the scale. Ever since the hospital visit, things have changed and I feel they've gotten progressively worse. As soon as the divorce was final, she called a friend and he was here the next night and they left. Didn't even wait till July. I'm finding myself staying awake longer because I don't want to sleep because there's no one there anymore. I sleep when I pass out. If it slowly kills me or puts me back in the hospital, oh well. If it does eventually kill me, I won't have to worry about it anymore. I've reduced myself to drinking Monster and eating Shin noodle soup, mostly because I just don't care about my health anymore. I don't care about much anything anymore, I feel numb. Lonelyness sets in fast, depression sets in fast, and I despise both. Only time I felt mellow today was when I was at Tully's with Sage's brother, father and aunt for dinner and had a brew, but felt like garbage afterwards. I was going to stream tonight but decided to write this entry instead. -Matt