Good Morning Journal, things have seemed to have gone back to normal - Sage isn't feeling depressed anymore, or if she is she's hiding it. Stayed up till 4am playing ESO and Resident Evil with her brother while I took care of stuff in SL. Snow came and dumped 5 inches on us last night and the plows are still out and about(good thing we went shopping when we did). Divorce wasn't brought up at all yesterday, nor was her online relationship with her ex(again, we have an open marriage), so I counted it as a good day. I'm sure there will be something that superceids it at another time where it's not counted at all, but there's peace for now and I'm happy. It's been 4 days now that i've been without my blood preassure med due to the weather, and before I know it I'll be out of my chelesterol med also. We're determined that when i'm off that med I get hyper but don't get manic unless i'm already approaching it. I can also feel the defensiveness building again, like the only time something comes out in the open is when i'm depressed. I use to be such an open book, could ask me anything about everything and I'd respond honestly and truthfully. I'm not sure exactly when I started giving responses people wanted or ignored them alltogether, or start to have a hard time taking people at their word, but it was either while I was bootcamp, when I left bootcamp, or when my ex and I broke up. It's strange how I can remember such things but can't remember day to day stuff. I can remember that one of my close childhood friends passed away from being the victim in a drunken car crash or that my aunt Karen passed away from a disease she didn't get until her fifties, or my first mental breakdown. I guess that's when it started really, but I can connect that event to the reason why I left bootcamp: I became so sick, I became deranged. I wasn't in the right mind and told my CO that I wanted to shoot myself. Would I have, probably not. I think of suicide as the weak way out and advocate such. Thinking about everything from there forward to now, yes: this has to be the point where it started. I don't remember being remotely close to that before joining the Navy or I'm sure my parents would have gotten me help. Sometime after I was medically discharged, I went to work for Stream International in Iowa where the same thing happened. About six months into the job, I got really sick and became deranged again. I was dropping calls, yelling at everyone around me that what they were saying were lies, so they let me go which added to it. I had a full mental breakdown right infront of a friend of mine I made since moving there. I don't know if she was saying the right words or what but it felt like what she was saying had truth in it, not fake speech like what those in the call center were saying. Even now when I first moved in with Sage, there just seemed to be certain things she said that seemed fake and I struggled with putting 100% of my faith in her(it didn't help she admitted more then once to telling some people what they wanted to hear). I've largely gotten over it because I forced myself to - in one hand I love this women with my heart and soul, and in the other I'm judging her without judging her. We married and it seemed like those issues went out the window. I'm going to end the entry there I think. I hope today ends up being as good of a day as yesterday, -Matt
Tuesday, January 2, 2018
