Hello Blog, how are ya? I'm back home now in NY - took a Greyhound to Toledo and then scooted over on an Amtrak home since Amtrak isn't close to my folks there in TN. The drama picked up where it left off it seems. While I was away my eldest cat Eevee passed away and the ASPCA was called out to the house by the bitch of a neighbor from across the street. Dealing with anyone in authority gives me anxiety and I don't know why. I've never had a reason to and the end results were always positive. The ASPCA isn't any different. They were out to the house a bit ago and picked up five of the cats. Just trying to figure out how to pay the ASPCA to take the cats this past week has been exhaustive and has made my chest hurt. Walking around the house here has become depressive, it's no wonder Sage wanted to get out of here and how I slipped into it. The next thing will be how to afford to pay national grid and verizon until November when HEAP kicks in. I've become a mixed bag of emotions and I no longer feel like a person on the inside. I feel like a blob that's just bearly existing and visiting my folks didn't help. I don't think I can do IRL now and ended up half-assing my YouTube video for tomorrow. I'm sick of everything and nothing at the same time. Just thinking about it and typing it all out is making my chest hurt. I laid here last night in my bed and had my first major panic attack since I took Sage's dad downtown. When their bad their almost seizure like but I'm awake and know what's going on. The only real thing keeping me going is watching my friend Star on Twitch do her IRL stuff. Her chat and discord's very welcoming and it feels like a giant family. It's a pipe-dream to want to do that from my position but I'm understanding more where Sage was coming from every time she asked me to draw a dream house in Sketchup. Something to hold onto, something to move to, something to work towards even if the end goal doesn't become that. I feel lost at times. I don't belong here but I don't belong with my folks either. Even on the Zoloft I'm slowly becoming socially numb again, not really knowing or caring about anything. Going through the motions to get the day over with. Thats one reason why Japan is so radical, because it's different, but in eve that I'm starting to have second thoughts wither or not Japan will make me happy. I don't think anywhere will truely make me happy, just tolerable. I don't force my issues on anyone so they get shoved in here, open to opinions. -Matt
Wednesday, July 18, 2018
