Welcome to RyconFox

Hello Blog, how are ya? I'm back home now in NY - took a Greyhound to Toledo and then scooted over on an Amtrak home since Amtrak isn't close to my folks there in TN. The drama picked up where it left off it seems. While I was away my eldest cat Eevee passed away and the ASPCA was called out to the house by the bitch of a neighbor from across the street. Dealing with anyone in authority gives me anxiety and I don't know why. I've never had a reason to and the end results were always positive. The ASPCA isn't any different. They were out to the house a bit ago and picked up five of the cats. Just trying to figure out how to pay the ASPCA to take the cats this past week has been exhaustive and has made my chest hurt. Walking around the house here has become depressive, it's no wonder Sage wanted to get out of here and how I slipped into it. The next thing will be how to afford to pay national grid and verizon until November when HEAP kicks in. I've become a mixed bag of emotions and I no longer feel like a person on the inside. I feel like a blob that's just bearly existing and visiting my folks didn't help. I don't think I can do IRL now and ended up half-assing my YouTube video for tomorrow. I'm sick of everything and nothing at the same time. Just thinking about it and typing it all out is making my chest hurt. I laid here last night in my bed and had my first major panic attack since I took Sage's dad downtown. When their bad their almost seizure like but I'm awake and know what's going on. The only real thing keeping me going is watching my friend Star on Twitch do her IRL stuff. Her chat and discord's very welcoming and it feels like a giant family. It's a pipe-dream to want to do that from my position but I'm understanding more where Sage was coming from every time she asked me to draw a dream house in Sketchup. Something to hold onto, something to move to, something to work towards even if the end goal doesn't become that. I feel lost at times. I don't belong here but I don't belong with my folks either. Even on the Zoloft I'm slowly becoming socially numb again, not really knowing or caring about anything. Going through the motions to get the day over with. Thats one reason why Japan is so radical, because it's different, but in eve that I'm starting to have second thoughts wither or not Japan will make me happy. I don't think anywhere will truely make me happy, just tolerable. I don't force my issues on anyone so they get shoved in here, open to opinions. -Matt

Hello Blog, how are ya? Been a bit, hasn't it... few ups, many downs and drug some along the way. I still suffer anxiety and depression from the divorce but put a smile on to appease the masses. It's funny how easy it is to smile for pictures to hide how you truly feel, only to explode and die a bit more on the inside. I was prescribed the smallest dose of Zoloft and it doesn't do anything. Scratch that; it works but not for sudden anxiety attacks or bouts of depression. Hurt no longer makes me depressed which I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing, was listening to The End and that made me depressed. After going through what I've gone through, music I use to enjoy listening to makes me depressed because I can feel the swing of emotions released at once and to me, I feel it 10x. Thought a change of scenery would do me good so I took my parents up on helping them move from TN to AZ, only this is day 4 and no one's left TN yet. They're trying to grab a house closer to me in NY but they're having difficulty with it. My parents haven't changed a bit and their arguing hasn't changed either. The trip down wasn't bad because we got to stop in and visit my uncles but I can see where I get my issues from. Everyone on my mom's side that's left is on SSI or SSDI for mental issues. I also ran out of Zoloft and they couldn't refill it till this morning because of the holiday and the anxiety didn't hit me until after I got home and had a pill, which leads to being depressed because I was anxious. It's become a vicious cycle I'm not happy with, so something to talk to my med dr about on the 20th. I'm realizing more and more that even if I do find a way to move to Japan, I'm going to be up against the same issues I am here while staying with my folks. There's going to be something that sparks something else that's going to send me into a spiral and no one's going to know how to best handle the situation, so I'll end up being deported and politely asked to not return. The only light I'm seeing at the end of my tunnel is in the form of a Twitch streamer and I think I've fallen in love with her. I hate it though. I hate it how my persona feels it needs a person to fill the loneliness in my life and will latch onto any ounce of positivity to turn and twist it until it fits, like trying to ream a square peg into a round hole. I won't dare act on it, my problems don't need to become someone else's mess to clean up. My head twitching has returned when I talk and so has the bulging of the vein in my neck, another sign I'm going to need a higher dose of Zoloft. I haven't become paranoid yet but I'm borderline there, which is starting to scare me. Simple sounds make me jump so that's adding to it, and my thoughts are starting to become dark and twisted. I've become an emotional nutball and it's getting worse, not better. I find myself at peace for a bit when I watch said live streamer or go through my baseball cards, but that's really about it. I realize at times I need to adult and adulting causes me stress, which causes me anxiety, which causes me depression, because of the stress and anxiety. I really do hate my life, Matt